Happiness

I started my church search.  Not only to 'make it count', but also the whole 'end of the world' thing from last year made me think.  I bought a home to build up my equity.  I put away a few hundred bucks a month to build up an RRSP for retirement. I bought life insurance to provide a financial back up plan if I die early.  I invest all this money (and even worry) for worldly security, what have I been investing in my spiritual future?  I claim to be a Christian, but do I truly feel confident that God will let me into His home after I leave this world?  Honestly, with my track record (or lack of). I worry I might get the boot, and being burned in eternal fire is not my idea of a forever retirement plan.

Anyways, I really want to go to a nearby church with Saturday service (at least one with this option), since I'm just too lazy to wake up early on Sundays (I'm human and have weaknesses and lack of commitment).  Therefore, this criterion really limits my choices.  Other than that, I want a good pastor.  The main purpose of going to Church is, of course, be closer to God, and part of it is the sermon.  If the speaker is bad, my heart is just not there.  Hence, besides looking at the worship times, I also explored the sermons that are posted on the churches' websites.

This one sermon was really good.  At the end, the pastor stated:

"Happy people don't chase after happiness.  They chase after God, and happiness finds them."

I love concluding statements like that because it makes you think (at least for me): Am I a truly happy person?  Do I chase after happiness or after God?  I look back at certain events in my life and I have to say, the times that I'm truly happy were when I had absolute faith in God and let Him lead the way.  The moments when I'm straying, I started searching for happiness on my own and nothing seems to really fill the meter.  How about now?  Am I doing this 'make it count' thing to search for happiness, or to search for God so that I will be happy?

I think it's a combination of both.  Life became a little stagnant and routine, and in a way depressing.  I want to be productive, but for what?  Pleasure? Fun? Success?  Even if I made more friends, earn more money, live in a bigger house, or buy more expensive things, I just don't think it will be enough.

The happiest period in my life was discovering the verse Psalms 16:2, and then moving up to Edmonton and started working at Sintra Engineering.  No friends and hardly any money.  Why?  Because He made me truly happy.  Sometimes I really need to have that as a reminder.

However, I'm not saying the things I have right now are not making me happy: friends, family, job, home, etc.   Just at the end of the day, I need to recognize, although I don't have a lot of these things (few close friends, 2 parents, Roshi, and hubby, job that makes an affordable living, a small little townhouse), it's all provided by God so that I'm really not in the pits, but comfortable and... happy.

P.S.  I will be attending tonight's evening service.

Interview

Today was my interview. I made sure I said a few prayers to ensure my best performance at the interview. I was glad it wasn't technical. However, I got the most out of the world question, and it even shocked me: "Describe your desk at home". Huh?! I think this was meant to see if I was an organized person? However, I just described it as a L-shaped desk with my iMac and printer, and above it are two wall shelves: one with my computer things and stationary, and the other with my scrapbooking supplies. I wonder what he made of it.

I can say I feel particularly good about this interview. I have had a total of seven interviews in my entire life:

1. The Gap
2. Alberta Transportation internship position
3. Defense Research Development Canada (DRDC) internship position
4. Fluor
5. Hilti
6. Alberta Transportation full time position
7. Sintra Engineering (today's interview)

The best interview I had was with DRDC. I didn't get the job I was interviewing for, but since the interview was so good, I got a job there under another supervisor. It was THAT good! Haha. The next best one is Fluor. I came out of it thinking I think I got the job! I was quite proud of some of the answers. Then the third best was today's. Maybe because the questions weren't very technical. I'm not too proud of my answers, but I was very honest and I felt that I was quite qualified for some of the questions he asked (i.e. Have you written any technical reports? - Yes, my thesis is one GINORMOUS technical report.)

Overall, I can't do or say much now. It's all in God's hands, and all I can do is trust. If He has planned this job for me, no matter how sucky I was, I would get the job. However, there is one thing I can improve my chances: write that thank you letter!

Psalms 91:14-16 and Psalms 16:2

Again, I like to do my devotions late at night (I really should start doing them a little earlier). Last night - or VERY early this morning (1 am), I was continuing my reading in Psalms. As I mentioned, earlier yesterday, I got my interview email and I was overly excited. I thanked God right away and I thanked Him again at night. Then He told me this:

""Because he loves me," says the Lord, "I will rescue him; I will protect him, for he acknowledges my name. He will call upon me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble, I will deliver him and honor him. With long life will I satisfy hima nd show him my salvation."" ~ Psalms 91:14-16

Isn't He wonderful? I've been somewhat putting Him aside for a while. Although I love Him and say I trust Him, it wasn't until recently I really started to seek Him and call out to Him. After all I have done, God still loves me and still listens. A while back, I read another passage in Psalms that I now hold very close to me:

"I said to the Lord, "You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing." ~ Psalms 16:2

I still worry everyday about my career, my relationship, and my future. However, I always remember this, those things are nothing compare to my Father. He is the only good thing I have. With that in mind, everything seems like things that help time go by easier and quicker on Earth. And then, I feel much better.

Psalms 71:20

During these past weeks, I've been reading the Book of Psalms. I tend to have my moments with God late at night. It's the time where I am very alone and nothing can bother me. The other day, I read the following: 

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." ~ Psalms 71:20

Less than a month ago, I finally broke down and had to complain why my life is always so complicated. This year is my all time low. Everyone keeps saying, things will get better. Human words. What do they know? No one on this Earth can predict the future. Things were going great for the last four years and now the recession that took a lot of people's retirement fund. Who would have knew? I am thankful for the Lord for telling me that things will get better. It is blah right now, but He will restore my life again, and bring me up again. 

As human, it's hard to fully trust, especially when things are just not going my way or there are no signs of improvement. Almost everyday reading Psalms, the Lord says TRUST. This is definitely the hardest lesson ever. 

A Bit Happier These Days

It's been tough the last few months. Everything seems to be BAD BAD BAD. Some nights, I would just start crying for no reason. However, this past week I've been coping well. Although nothing much has changed: still unemployed, boyfriend's parents still hate me, and still feeling hopeless about everything. I think everytime I start to feel down, I just remember the Psalms I've been reading: Trust in the Lord. Even when anger rises, I calm down easily and quickly concentrate on something else. I am still tired but life is a rollercoaster. There are ups and downs. I will just continue coping and just simply trust.