Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Psalms 71:20

During these past weeks, I've been reading the Book of Psalms. I tend to have my moments with God late at night. It's the time where I am very alone and nothing can bother me. The other day, I read the following: 

"Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up." ~ Psalms 71:20

Less than a month ago, I finally broke down and had to complain why my life is always so complicated. This year is my all time low. Everyone keeps saying, things will get better. Human words. What do they know? No one on this Earth can predict the future. Things were going great for the last four years and now the recession that took a lot of people's retirement fund. Who would have knew? I am thankful for the Lord for telling me that things will get better. It is blah right now, but He will restore my life again, and bring me up again. 

As human, it's hard to fully trust, especially when things are just not going my way or there are no signs of improvement. Almost everyday reading Psalms, the Lord says TRUST. This is definitely the hardest lesson ever. 

Saturday, June 27, 2009

A Bit Happier These Days

It's been tough the last few months. Everything seems to be BAD BAD BAD. Some nights, I would just start crying for no reason. However, this past week I've been coping well. Although nothing much has changed: still unemployed, boyfriend's parents still hate me, and still feeling hopeless about everything. I think everytime I start to feel down, I just remember the Psalms I've been reading: Trust in the Lord. Even when anger rises, I calm down easily and quickly concentrate on something else. I am still tired but life is a rollercoaster. There are ups and downs. I will just continue coping and just simply trust.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Job Interview

Today's my job interview with Alberta Transportation. I don't know whether I should be happy or not. The job is in Peace River, AB, which is an 8-hour drive from Calgary. That's so far.

Initially, I didn't want to apply because it's in Peace River. However, I've been applying to about 30-40 jobs and I only heard back from a few places. I guessed the chances of me to hear back from AB Transportation is probably small, like the other positions. Of course, with my stinkin' luck, the job I want least is the one I hear from! Surprise surprise. It's an awesome position - bridge engineer. It's just the location.
Well, I guess I shouldn't fret too much. I didn't do too well in the interview. It was pretty technical. I can answer all questions regarding about the research process, but not too much with construction and management issues. However, I did say the one thing I need to improve on is get more experience, we all need to start somewhere. With that, I think that justified all my bad answers!
Nevertheless, I will know in two weeks time if I'll still be here after August. Wish me luck!

Monday, June 22, 2009

A Blog for my Creations

So I decided to make a new blog, one for just my creations. I noticed that I have been mixing too many of my life drama and creations together. I would like to keep them separate.
However, all are welcome to see both.

The new blog:

I have moved my all my previous creations over there. Thank goodness I didn't have that many. Haha. Just copying and pasting took me half the night!


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Encouragement from The Man above!

I'm a Christian. I can't say I'm intensely religious or spiritual, but my Faith is quite important to me. It doesn't matter what I do, I can't give it up entirely.
I always trusted that the Lord is around me. He may not show Himself in obvious ways, but I know He's "around". I know that throughout my Struggles, He was the one I trusted who will pulled me through it.
During these hard times, I surrendered and finally prayed and read His Word, the Bible. Before, whenever I read, it's somewhat irrelevant or maybe I just don't have the heart to 'listen'. However, this time I could actually hear Him telling me something. Since I don't have a regular schedule, I just flipped to the Book of Psalms, one of my few favorites. Randomly, I read Psalms 54 to 56. Here are some things that I 'heard':

"Strangers are attacking me; ruthless men seek my life - men without regard for God. Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me." ~Psalms 54:3-4

"Cast your cares on the Lord, and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall."
~Psalms 55:22

"When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust I will not be afraid. What can mortal man do to me?"
~Psalms 56:3-4

For those who are reading this (although I don't think a lot of people read my blog) and are not religious, may scoff at these passages. I totally understand. I'm not preaching (for I hate that myself). However, I just want to say, WOW, can I say encouragement or what?! So I guess from this day, no matter what happens - job/no job, friends/no friends, relationship/no relationship, God will take care of it all. Although I always trusted He would anyways, it's good to have reassurance!

Sunday, June 7, 2009


I just have to say things are not getting better. Light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and dimmer. Am I really that unlucky that I can't deserve a little break in life? For the past month or more, I've been trying to keep my head held high and maintain a positive attitude: "Things will get better. Life is a rollercoaster, now is just another down time." But why does it seem like it just gets lower and lower and not going back up?

I came to realize that I might as well surrender to this losing streak. Winning is not meant for me. Yes, there are people worse off than me - those in broken families, starving kids in Africa, slavery in 3rd world countries, etc. However, why am I only considered lucky to these kind of people?! Why for the last 20 years of my life, it never seemed to be easy.
In elementary school, I was maybe one of the 3 Chinese kids. Therefore, I definitely did not make it to the popular crowd. From grades 2-8 (I don't remember much before this), I was always picked on and was a magnet for negative comments. Finally, this one horrible girl by the name of Micki Faulkner (I am definitely not scared to mention her name) moved away and I thought yay, no more bullying. It was all good too since in grade 9, everyone got along. Unfortunately, I was old enough then to understand my family's financial situation. 
One can say I was born into a pretty well off family. My dad was not very successful in his career, but I had grandma, who had always promised me that she'll get me my first car, and my education was well funded for. I guess things like these shouldn't be guaranteed, because they can just disappear overnight. Let's just say my funds ended up in the deep ocean blue somewhere. I carried the stress to work hard in school so that I can get scholarships to help fund my education.
All my friends had parents who funded their university education and most provided them the old family car for transportation. Yeah, I had my own car. However, I could only take it to the C-Train station, because it's cheaper on gas. I was the only one out of my (local) friends (that I know of) who will run to the university's finance office to get the student loan forms, and line up every year to get them approved. Summer job savings went to paying for textbooks instead of a GIC for future house down payment. To keep my spirits up, I just had to keep thinking "I worked for my education. It is truly mine." This was how I spent my university years.
Relationship wise wasn't too lucky neither. I had a boyfriend during these years. First love. However, we had our problems. I know it's my fault for wanting meaningless things. I guess it's because of my insecurities based on the last 10-15 years of my life (at that point). So I ended it, thinking I can't spend the rest of my life feeling insecure, even though I knew that he truly loved me and will put me ahead of all things. But to keep my spirits up: "There are more fish in the sea" and it would be nice to be single for a bit. I also had a best friend whom I put all my trust into (which is hard for me to do). At the end, I got stabbed in the back and got scarred for life. However, I have to blame myself for that one. If only I didn't... Life goes on. With or without these people.
So I decided to do grad school instead of enjoying the economic boom. It was great for a bit - the flexibility in schedule, tuition was practically free since I got paid to be in school, student loans payback was on hold and it was great experience. However, when it seemed like it will never end, it sucked. After a year of singleness and poor grad student life seemed unending, life began to get depressing. Then luck happened to be on my side for the first time. I met a new guy, my grad project began picking up, and graduation was on its way. I even got a job waiting for me right afterwards.
Everyone told me that I should travel since I did so many years of school. HA. I had student loans to payback. My car's lease was expiring - I need to pay for another car. All the savings I had from scholarships, internship, summer jobs, and grad student paychecks were going into all of that. Traveling was for those who got 'funding' and car sponsorship. I didn't complain because life was finally picking up. 
I should have really enjoyed my last year. I took my 'break' of one year for granted. 2009's losing streak is finally getting to me. First I got laid off. My professional engineering designation gets put on hold. Then, I got a "wake up" call and noticed that my friends are all grown up and headed off in different directions in life. It's no longer like when we were students. And now, due to irrational and stupid reasons, I may have to start all over again in the relationship department - apparently, I am an evil woman with no manners and manipulates people. I am worse than a whore or a criminal. I have no faith that I can win this battle. Or maybe I'm just tired of fighting.
I guess I will just have to accept the facts. My life is meant to be hard and unhappy. I am thankful for that one year. I had a taste of what smooth sailing is. Job. Friendship. Love. It is time to wake up and face the reality of life again.