Sunday, June 7, 2009

Struggles

I just have to say things are not getting better. Light at the end of the tunnel is getting dimmer and dimmer. Am I really that unlucky that I can't deserve a little break in life? For the past month or more, I've been trying to keep my head held high and maintain a positive attitude: "Things will get better. Life is a rollercoaster, now is just another down time." But why does it seem like it just gets lower and lower and not going back up?

I came to realize that I might as well surrender to this losing streak. Winning is not meant for me. Yes, there are people worse off than me - those in broken families, starving kids in Africa, slavery in 3rd world countries, etc. However, why am I only considered lucky to these kind of people?! Why for the last 20 years of my life, it never seemed to be easy.
In elementary school, I was maybe one of the 3 Chinese kids. Therefore, I definitely did not make it to the popular crowd. From grades 2-8 (I don't remember much before this), I was always picked on and was a magnet for negative comments. Finally, this one horrible girl by the name of Micki Faulkner (I am definitely not scared to mention her name) moved away and I thought yay, no more bullying. It was all good too since in grade 9, everyone got along. Unfortunately, I was old enough then to understand my family's financial situation. 
One can say I was born into a pretty well off family. My dad was not very successful in his career, but I had grandma, who had always promised me that she'll get me my first car, and my education was well funded for. I guess things like these shouldn't be guaranteed, because they can just disappear overnight. Let's just say my funds ended up in the deep ocean blue somewhere. I carried the stress to work hard in school so that I can get scholarships to help fund my education.
All my friends had parents who funded their university education and most provided them the old family car for transportation. Yeah, I had my own car. However, I could only take it to the C-Train station, because it's cheaper on gas. I was the only one out of my (local) friends (that I know of) who will run to the university's finance office to get the student loan forms, and line up every year to get them approved. Summer job savings went to paying for textbooks instead of a GIC for future house down payment. To keep my spirits up, I just had to keep thinking "I worked for my education. It is truly mine." This was how I spent my university years.
Relationship wise wasn't too lucky neither. I had a boyfriend during these years. First love. However, we had our problems. I know it's my fault for wanting meaningless things. I guess it's because of my insecurities based on the last 10-15 years of my life (at that point). So I ended it, thinking I can't spend the rest of my life feeling insecure, even though I knew that he truly loved me and will put me ahead of all things. But to keep my spirits up: "There are more fish in the sea" and it would be nice to be single for a bit. I also had a best friend whom I put all my trust into (which is hard for me to do). At the end, I got stabbed in the back and got scarred for life. However, I have to blame myself for that one. If only I didn't... Life goes on. With or without these people.
So I decided to do grad school instead of enjoying the economic boom. It was great for a bit - the flexibility in schedule, tuition was practically free since I got paid to be in school, student loans payback was on hold and it was great experience. However, when it seemed like it will never end, it sucked. After a year of singleness and poor grad student life seemed unending, life began to get depressing. Then luck happened to be on my side for the first time. I met a new guy, my grad project began picking up, and graduation was on its way. I even got a job waiting for me right afterwards.
Everyone told me that I should travel since I did so many years of school. HA. I had student loans to payback. My car's lease was expiring - I need to pay for another car. All the savings I had from scholarships, internship, summer jobs, and grad student paychecks were going into all of that. Traveling was for those who got 'funding' and car sponsorship. I didn't complain because life was finally picking up. 
I should have really enjoyed my last year. I took my 'break' of one year for granted. 2009's losing streak is finally getting to me. First I got laid off. My professional engineering designation gets put on hold. Then, I got a "wake up" call and noticed that my friends are all grown up and headed off in different directions in life. It's no longer like when we were students. And now, due to irrational and stupid reasons, I may have to start all over again in the relationship department - apparently, I am an evil woman with no manners and manipulates people. I am worse than a whore or a criminal. I have no faith that I can win this battle. Or maybe I'm just tired of fighting.
I guess I will just have to accept the facts. My life is meant to be hard and unhappy. I am thankful for that one year. I had a taste of what smooth sailing is. Job. Friendship. Love. It is time to wake up and face the reality of life again.   

1 comments:

helen said...

I kind of know where your comming from *sigh.
For some life is easy, stuff lands in their lap and no matter which way they go it always turns out fantastic (they swim with the current and often get a lift too!).
Then there are people who have it seriously way bad (swimming in shark/alligator/toxic/etc infested waters).
Then there are people like us in the middle (swimming against the current) where you never seem to make the right choice and if things seem good its only because you dont see whats sneeking up behind you.